35 Washington Street
Brooklyn, NY 11201
Dear Mick Management, don't fuck around, please make sure Mr. John Clinton Mayer gets this message. Its important.
"No I'm not the man I used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside.."
- John Mayer
"I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)"
Hey man, don't take this as every other piece of fan mail you've received. This is half a complaint, half constructive criticism, and 100% very important. Don't chuck this one out.
So... I used to be a religious fan of yours man. Feel in love with everything about you from your sound, to the way you could make your guitar celebrate its exquisite existence, from the clever sequences of words you wrote and spoke in either your interviews or blog posts. I rediscovered you twice, which is like falling in love with you twice, which is quite serious fanship, worship, and absolute satisfaction with your music, your being, and your lyrics. This effect lasted for everything man, Room for Squares, Inside Wants Out, The John Mayer Trio, Any Given Thursday. The Village Sessions, and Continuum, even your majestic presence at Crossroads.
It is inevitable, a loyal fan would map out you evolving. And then, you disappeared for a while, dated a few babes, got a few tattoos, cut yer hair, posed for more articles and what not. Then, you gave birth to Battle Studies. Tittled epically, yet loaded with not so epic content. Fuck, I've never sounded this mean. But, I have to let you know this. I spent a lot of time, money and energy following your art man. But you wanted fame, and with that comes the responsibility of listening to your fans, who fund your ego to make you who you are today.
All I'm saying is, you've pussied out of whats raw and harder to get recognition for. The BLUES man. Good old classic rock sound, no bullshit there. Raw lyrics, you tell it like it is, and then let the guitar say the rest. Battle Studies is on the verge of sucky modern country, pop, and pooey softies songs. And a collaboration with Miss Taylor Swift. I'm sorry, but what the fuck was that for. I'm sorry man, I know you have always dug the pop world. But let me tell you man, the pop world is transitory, and its forgotten after, only those who make it to the aftermath are remembered, and you have to be invinsible and unwavering and brave to make it to the end. People like Mr. Michael Jackson, Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, B.B King, trust me, be inspired by them, not from the tide the pop world brings in. All that the media installs is issued by the Illuminati anyways. Hahaha.
Just saying man.. Battle Studies sounds like you've become an insecure teenage girl man. So the babe was confusing, then whatever! Ditch that bitch!!!! Ain't no better bitch than your guitar man! Titles like "Half of My Heart", "War of My Life", "Friends, Lovers or Nothing", or "All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye" sounds like shit written in the journal of 9th grade little girl. Not nearly as epic and raw as titles like "Vultures", "Neon" "Who Did You Think I Was" or "Covered In Rain". And come on man, you know it. "I love you more than songs can say, but I don't wanna keep running after yesterday" (lyrics form Battle Studies) sounds redundant as shit, and will never compare to "Power is made by power being taken, so I keep on running to protect my situation" (Vultures - Continuum). Although these two excerpts pertain to different happenings in your life, you can still see the difference in quality of lyrics. Fuck man, I know you had heartache. Everyone does man. But don't make a fucking whole album about it! That's unprofessional.
I remember when I first discovered you man, how happy I was. I had just come out of a pop music phase and was turned on by how different your sound was. So I started looking up who your influences were. Jimi Page, B.B King, Buddy Guy, Jimi Hendrix, all those majestic souls. Man, how can you cover "Bold as Love" and then go write something as shitty as "Half of my Heart" ????? How about letting the inspiration SINK IN a while longer. Fuck, don't tell me the pop world will ever compare to what Page or Hendrix accomplished, FUCK NO.
To wrap up the complaint part, I just want to say, don't forget who you were man. You've got the fanage. A large population of them, big breasted brainless girls. Man I remember coming out of your concert at the Molson Amphitheatre in the summer of '08, epic time that was. But it was the leaving of the concert that struck me as disapproving; it was jam packed with everyone trying to leave at once. Some dudes were saying stuff like "man its getting all tight in here, everyone rubbing up against each other usually I'd have to pay for this." As much as that was funny as hell at the time, it seemed like all these girls wanted was to see your concert and have your babies, and all these guys wanted to see the concert to see the girls. All funny and shit, but man, I remember thinking to my self, dam, this is not what its about. I appreciated you beyond that superficial shit. I just feared the essence of your music would turn into a situation much like walking into an Abercrombie and Fitch Store. Fuck that shit.
Anyhow, I have rambled on, probably offended you. But I'm not done yet hahaha sorry. I've got some suggestions for you. Seems like you've forgotten what good music is like.
PLEASE CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:
*You can trust me, I am a musician and dedicated singer myself.
- Loose the "soft nice guy" pop-y voice in all of yer songs, materialistic girls love it.
- Don't be afraid to sound raw and yell a bit more in your songs.
- Revisit the blues, it is the mother of rock music.
- Revise your Battle Studies Record and ask yourself if Jimi Hendrix would be proud.
- Abstraction is the key to great lyrics, ~all we ever do is say good bye~ is too easy to understand, kapeesh? Abstraction is the key to magic, and beauty that doesn't let its self be had easy.
- Have some Chai tea with your mom, or a trippy uncle, or go to an old age building and find an elderly person to tell you an adventure story of theirs ~ much more fucking real than Taylor Swift.
- Read up on Woodstock, read up on Jack Kerouac, then look up the Illuminati, then watch Zeitgeist.
- Get some incense, and grow your hair out again. You look like a dick head with the short hair man. Like an actual penis head.
- Real girls don't care if you work out or not.
INCLUDE THIS MUSIC IN YOUR DAY:
- Jeff Buckley, Fleetwood Mac, Rainbow, Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Nina Simone, B.B King, Cream, The Who, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Janis Joplin, and Deep Purple and Jefferson Airplane.
Trust me, far better than Taylor Swift.
You listen to all these for me, and it will equal the amount of time, energy, and endorphins I've spent on you. :)
Some last important notes man, and then I promise I'll be gone. You should know, Steve Jordan must be bored out of his mind playing those beats for you in Battle Studies, give his hands some sass to munch on. Bring Pino Palodino back and let that bass be heard, basses are the sexiest mothers of sound. Your guitar must also be bored as fuck, let that curved babe know your fingers still want to make love to her (all sexual implications intended) with those majestic blues leaks man, let that electric ladyland talk and moan for you again. Learning from a book won't do you any good experience, loose the Battle Studies heartbreak booklet and roast some marsh mellows over it. Trees are much sexier than some Hollywood women. Find yourself a real woman if that's what you need. Ain't gonna find her in that expensive watch store, but in the flower fields of Nevada among the hippie folk. Love is in nature, and it is trippy, so be prepared. Move on! Heartbreak is bullshit. Make a new record and bring home the sass!!
I'm done now. Residue swept off my chest. Now go make love to that guitar of yours and make Jimi and I proud. There's still time :)